Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize