im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize