have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
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