Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
