I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
