My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Will exercising make me less horny?
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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