what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
