I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Randomize
