There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
