4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
