Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
