My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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