remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
