How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
