How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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