sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Randomize
