Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
