All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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