Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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