If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
