Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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