i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
