In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Randomize
