you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
