Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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