The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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