my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
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