Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize