He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
