She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
