five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
