I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
