My girlfriend figured out who you are.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Randomize
