She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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