Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Randomize
