Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
