ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
I think I won the penis lottery.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
