I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
