I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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