She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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