I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize