OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
