Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
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