I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Randomize
