youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
it was like having sex with a tree stump
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
