mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Randomize
