My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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