He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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