Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
