Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Randomize
