Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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