You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
