names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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