he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
