We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
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