I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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